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The best bet for this today is dynamic providers. These provide a way for you to define create,read,update,and delete behaviors for your own kind of resource. If that resource depends on the instance, it will have to be destroyed first, so your custom logic for delete can do whatever it needs to do. 

See <https://www.pulumi.com/blog/dynamic-providers/|https://www.pulumi.com/blog/dynamic-providers/> and <https://www.pulumi.com/docs/intro/concepts/programming-model/#dynamicproviders|https://www.pulumi.com/docs/intro/concepts/programming-model/#dynamicproviders>. 

You might also want to take a look at <https://www.pulumi.com/blog/day-2-kubernetes-migrating-eks-nodegroups-with-zero-downtime/>

Do you have any examples of this such as the pre destroy and then post destroy?

Seems like a lot of work where I would think it should be built in.