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is there any technique to always suppress pulumi outputs, such that i don't need to pass `--suppress-outputs` all the time?

not really, there are a lot of feature requests for it <https://github.com/pulumi/pulumi/issues/11828>

I'd prefer outputs as opt in rather than opt out

I do not use outputs in general, only if it's necessary, I try to avoid connecting stack via stack references because it is incredibly slow and fragile.

how do you share state from one stack to another, then

You do not. Use lookups (get_&lt;resource&gt;) functions from a common library.

perhaps naming conventions &amp; tagging will need to be enriched