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Would be enough to just pass the URN ang getProvider to the parent like so
```new sql.Database(
    name,
    {
       //args
    },
    {
        parent: {
            urn: server.urn,
            getProvider: server.getProvider
        }
    }
)```
Still asks the question of how I get this information?

Actually considering the graph view in the portal maybe what I'm trying to do doesn't make sense - perhaps you can't have a parent of a resource be a resource from another stack?